


Packard & Farnsworth present: Subterranean Buzz - An Atlantean Podcast

by A7902



Category: Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001), Disney - All Media Types
Genre: Bigfoot - Freeform, Cryptids, El chupacabra - Freeform, F/M, Ghosts, Humor, Mummies, Ningen, Podcast, rated T for language and alcohol and sillies, this is basically crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:22:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23677585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A7902/pseuds/A7902
Summary: Mrs. Packard and Cookie are the hosts of a podcast in Atlantis featuring familiar guests as they discuss creepy cryptids, myths, and friendship.
Relationships: Kida Nedakh/Milo Thatch
Comments: 22
Kudos: 26





	1. Episode 1: El Chupacabra with Audrey Ramirez

**Author's Note:**

> It truly is the end of times, so let's just have some fun. I haven't left my apartment in 4 weeks.
> 
> Like I said, this is basically crack ? and humorfic so don't take anything too seriously. It's a script because we're pretending it's a transcipt okay. like you're listening to it

MRS. PACKARD

We’re back. The podcast is back… Christ. 

Our sincerest apologies about the previous 

six weeks. Neither of us realized our 

microphones had been replaced with 

spray-painted sausages.

COOKIE

(Taps his mic)

Is that what these are?

PACKARD

Welcome back to Subterranean 

Buzz, the first ever Atlantean podcast, 

where this season we’ve been discussing 

bizarre legends and cryptids from the 

surface world. 

(She sighs and taps her mic.)

Alright…. God forbid Vinny or Mole break 

into our booth again. From now on, I’m 

sleeping with the keys tucked between 

my-

AUDREY

Oh, jesus-

PACKARD

-Tits-

COOKIE

AH-! NO! Ya see?! This is why we’re losin’ 

sponsors, Mina!

PACKARD

Excuse me, sorry- between my _boobs_ \- 

(They groan) 

which are held up by my new bra from 

Nikeshi’s Closet.

AUDREY

Nice segue. 

PACKARD

Your top destination for Atlantean underwear 

needs; a company that was established in 

one day - the same day I decided to wear a 

traditional Atlantean crop top to summer 

festival last year-

AUDREY

-Don’t remind us-

PACKARD

-After Milo bailed me outta jail for public 

nudity and sent for a seamstress.

(They are silent)

I _was_ wearing a shirt.

AUDREY

You really weren’t.

PACKARD

Cry me a river, it’s not like you’d never 

seen ‘em before.

COOKIE

An’ what’s a summer harvest festival 

without Milo bailin’ one of us outta jail?

AUDREY

Fair enough.

PACKARD

This week’s guest, as you can hear, is 

the lovely Audrey Ramirez. A child prodigy 

and mechanical genius and inventor; she 

worked for Henry Ford himself, then decided 

to take on what she thought was a temp job 

she was overqualified for, ultimately ending 

her up down here with all of us. 

AUDREY

Eh.

PACKARD

She’s agreed to discuss a creepy topic with

us.

COOKIE

The El Chuppuh Kadabra!

AUDREY

Chupacabra.

PACKARD

Bless you. What’s it do?

AUDREY

It’s a spiny, big-eyed reptilian creature that 

stalks around at night, draining the blood of 

farmer’s livestock.

COOKIE

I had one of them stuck in my gutter back 

home. Just rattled ‘em up and he flew 

right off.

AUDREY

It’s native to South America, Cookie.

COOKIE

Yeah, southern America!

AUDREY

No- the _continent_ south of America.

COOKIE

I don’t care how many times y’all try to 

tell me, Orlando ain’t a real place.

PACKARD

Paint us a picture, Ramirez.

AUDREY

Well, the myth actually wasn’t started 

until 1995 by an old woman in Puerto Rico 

who may have been just reimagining what 

she’d seen from the sci-fi movie that same 

year, _Species_.

PACKARD

Four outta ten. Not enough male nudity.

COOKIE

Now, this is why I don’t watch movin’ 

pictures, they’re the devil’s work! Watchin’ 

‘em allows ‘im to jump right into yer soul 

through yer eyes!

PACKARD

You didn’t miss much. The sleazy blonde 

alien gets knocked up by Doctor Octopus 

and gives birth to a frog that gets barbecued 

by scientists-

Cookie sputters in terror and disgust.

AUDREY

Stop, you’ll give him a stroke! And don’t

spoil it for the people listening-!

PACKARD

-Nobody’s gonna watch it-

AUDREY

(COUGHING)

-Cookie, what are you doing?!

COOKIE

Lightin’ my sage! Mina's invitin’ demons with 

such evil words!

Many scuffling sounds are heard.

AUDREY

HEY- Put it out-!

PACKARD

-Look, Milo said we can’t set this place 

on fire again or we’ll lose the property-

COOKIE

The last two times were yer fault, an’ you 

KNOW it!

AUDREY

That’s not even sage, that’s old cigarettes 

wrapped in newspaper-!

Cookie grumbles and settles back down, scooting his microphone close.

COOKIE

Write this down, folks. The Ella Chickabra 

is in FACT a blonde prostitute from the planet 

of Orlando. Keep yer eyes peeled and yer 

spouses indoors. You heard it here.

AUDREY

So then _what_ did you rattle out of your 

gutter? A woman?

COOKIE

Dunno. Coulda been any ol’ thang, I guess…. 

A coyote. A bat. Escaped orangutan wearin’ 

a cape. 

PACKARD

Please. I keep saying, get your eyes checked.

COOKIE

My eyes work perfectly swell, thank you 

very much.

AUDREY

That would honestly explain a lot. Like why 

you make such weird food. Or that time you 

spent an hour playing checkers with Vinny 

before you realized it was just a pile of 

sweaters.

PACKARD

No, that one’s pretty fair.

COOKIE

Shut up, everyone shut up!

PACKARD

He won’t go ‘cause he’s scared of doctors.

AUDREY

What? Our _friend_ is a doctor!

COOKIE

Can’t trust ‘em… they smell too clean… 

they got too many instruments in their

purses to torture with… gives me hives

just thinkin’ about it… them little bitty

flashlights… what’s he gonna do with

‘em? Read my mind?!

Audrey groans.

PACKARD

I’ve heard you have personal beef with the 

monster, Audrey.

AUDREY

Hmm, I did go to a Halloween 5k in San

Juan a few years ago, dressed up in a

full Chupacabra costume, but I got

banned. Someone else wore the same

thing and tripped me into the Gatorade

table, so I pummeled them with a traffic

cone. Oh wait, did you mean with the

actual monster?

PACKARD

Maybe that _was_ the actual monster.

AUDREY

Well, a cousin of mine swore they saw 

it one night in Mexico. But a few years 

later we found out it was just a drunk tourist 

running naked in the woods with a wig and 

a bad poison oak rash.

COOKIE

That was just Mina’s fourth honeymoon.

PACKARD

Shut up. That’s what I was gonna say. 

COOKIE

This is why we’re best pals.

AUDREY

Anyway. The Chupacabra is kind of a 

symbol for Puerto Rico. Like he’s a 

misunderstood and cast out creature. Since

the US technically owns PR but doesn’t 

give them the same rights as the fifty 

states.

PACKARD

You’re tellin’ me. I got arrested at a bar 

in Puerto Rico because they wouldn’t allow 

strip poker. That’s _never_ happened to me 

in the states.

COOKIE

That wasn’t a bar, that was someone’s

house!

PACKARD

So what would be the best way to 

hypothetically capture this thing?

AUDREY

A lot of people try, but all they ever catch 

is mangy dogs. Brings up another 

important issue - the stray dog population 

in the South Americas is out of control and 

really sad-

COOKIE

(Ignoring her)

-I say we set up one of my wolverine traps 

an’ hide in the tall grass. I’ll have my musket 

and my iron kettle - so we can have a nice 

tea while we wait - and set up a tasty-lookin’ 

snack for it- What would a blood suckin’ 

hooker like the most?

PACKARD

A young, rich man.

COOKIE

Okay…. Mr. Whitmore can wait under my 

trap-

AUDREY

-No, it eats goats.

COOKIE

Fine, Mr. Whitmore, an' some of my crispy 

goat bacon. But that stuff’s hard to come by, 

I’d rather not use it all up.

PACKARD

But putting your friend in potential danger 

is a-okay?

COOKIE

He won’t ever be in danger ‘cause I never 

miss a shot! They use’ta call me Flash 

Lightin’! Flash, ‘cause I was a sharp shootin’ 

slick. An’ Lightnin’, ‘cause I was struck by 

lightnin’ - _twice!_ Once on the battlefield of 

Gettysburg… an’ again when I took my first 

lover-

AUDREY

NO- No, we’re done.

PACKARD

Alright, we’ve reached the end, and as 

always, we finish every podcast by prank 

calling our friend, Milo. Do us the honor, 

Audrey.

AUDREY

Absolutely.

She dials a code into the radio and they await a response as it rings.

MILO (VIA RADIO)

Hello?

AUDREY

(Stressed)

Milo, you really gotta help me!

MILO

What? What’s wrong?

AUDREY

This is SO stupid, I feel like such an idiot!

MILO

Wait- what’s happening?!

AUDREY

I’m locked inside your bathroom and I 

can’t get out!

MILO

My-?! What?! Why are you in _my_

bathroom? You have your own- who let 

you in?!

AUDREY

I ran out of toilet paper and your place is 

so much cooler! But your stupid door 

jammed and I’ve been in here for an 

hour, I’m freaking out!

MILO

Wh- I- Okay, uhhh…. Okay, I’m in the 

middle of a meeting, but I can just-

AUDREY

-No, no, never mind, I’ll just climb out 

the window.

MILO

-No, hey, don’t-

AUDREY

-It’s only like a sixty foot drop, I can walk 

it off-

MILO

-No, wait, wait- I’m coming! ‘Scuse me, 

sorry, gotta run-

AUDREY

Wait, wait!! Bring a bunch of really strong 

people to push the door open!

MILO

Right, okay- 

AUDREY

-A LOT of them!

MILO

(To his surroundings) 

You, you… annnd you... and all six of 

you, come with me, please! Emergency, 

upstairs, now. 

(To Audrey) 

Okay, we’re on our way.

AUDREY

Thanks, Milo, you’re the best!

She hangs up. Cookie breaks into applause.

AUDREY

Thank you, thank you.

PACKARD

See you next week.

  
  


END


	2. Episode 2: Bigfoot with Vinny Santorini and Dr. Sweet

PACKARD

Good afternoon, listeners. We’re back.

COOKIE

We’re back!!

PACKARD

The Subterranean Buzz is brought to you 

this week by Shh- uhhh.. Sh- you know 

what, I can’t speak Atlantean. It’s the 

outer rim Smoke House.

Sweet bursts into laughter and Cookie scoffs.

COOKIE

Of all the joints in town, only that dump 

gave us a sponsor?!

PACKARD

Shut up- located in the basement of the 

outer citadel - the one covered in hornet 

nests, not the other one - is your one stop 

shop for booze and poker. No wait, wait, 

sorry, poker is banned-

COOKIE

-An’ I wonder whose fault that is, Mina.

PACKARD

They asked us to once again reassure 

the public that there’s no evidence anyone 

died there, and its historic mafia involvement 

is grossly exaggerated. Oh, and kids eat 

free on Tuesdays.

VINNY

The Smoke House is a diamond in the rough. 

Lotta fun people there. Except a giant bat 

lives in the men’s restroom. Never look it in 

the eye, trust me.

DR. SWEET

Of course _you_ like that place.

VINNY

Have you had their garlic cheese bread? 

It’s heaven.

PACKARD

Joining us this week is world renowned 

surgeon, medical professor, and bald 

Adonis, Dr. Sweet, as well as serial arsonist 

and former convict, Vinny Santorini.

VINNY

Wow.

COOKIE

An’ they’re here to talk with us about-!

DR. SWEET

The Foot.

VINNY

The famous Foot.

DR. SWEET

But listen, I don’t get the hype. I mean,

it’s just a hairy guy walkin’ around the 

woods, it’s not like he’s doin’ anything 

that special. Why’s he so popular?

VINNY

Jealous?

DR. SWEET

...What on earth are you tryin’ to say?

VINNY

He’s taller than you.

PACKARD

Listen, I’m more of a yeti kind of gal, 

but Bigfoot’s alright. I give him a seven.

VINNY

It’s the elusiveness. He’s appeared all 

over but never been caught. He plays 

hard to get. Maybe you should take notes,

Doc.

COOKIE

Nah, I saw ‘im back in Texas! One mornin’ 

I stepped out on my porch to shoot me 

some breakfast, an’ he was relaxin’ in 

my got dang jacuzzi!

PACKARD

Since when have you had a jacuzzi?

COOKIE

Since my next door neighbor abandoned 

his house. But I hadda stop usin’ it. 

Realized he left ‘cause the property was 

crawlin’ with woodlice. Made me itch 

like a dog. So if you see a big, furry man 

scratchin’ his nethers like the devil, that’s 

Bigfoot.

Everyone groans in disgust.

PACKARD

Or my third husband. That bastard left 

me with nothing but debt and genital-

COOKIE

MINA-

PACKARD

-Herpes-

COOKIE

-THE SPONSORS!

DR. SWEET

Look, I’ve traveled all over middle America. 

I’ve camped in some of the most remote 

woods and mountains with no civilization 

for miles. And I ain’t ever seen a sasquatch. 

VINNY

‘Cause you were stitching people up. 

When you get in the zone it’s like you 

black out. Bigfoot could’ve been dancing 

the macarena and robbing you for all you 

know.

DR. SWEET

But hundreds of search teams have 

looked all over for this thing for years 

and years. All they’ve ever found is 

footprints - the easiest thing to fake!

PACKARD

(Scoffs) 

Imagine being a “professional” on some 

idiotic expedition to find Bigfoot.

VINNY

Imagine being one on an expedition to 

find Atlantis.

Everyone is silent.

PACKARD

Fair.

VINNY

See? We’re sitting down here in actual, 

real Atlantis, the most unbelievable myth to 

ever exist, and you’re sayin’ you don’t think 

there _might_ be a chance Bigfoot is real?

DR. SWEET

Absolutely not. I’m a man of science.

VINNY

So am I?

PACKARD

So am I.

COOKIE

So am I!!!

DR. SWEET

REAL science. Science that matters.

VINNY

Wow, you wanna go there? You make 

people piss in cups for a living and I 

blow stuff up. I win.

DR. SWEET

I have two doctorate degrees and you 

have a masters in toilet wine-brewing 

from jail!

VINNY

I have more fans!

DR. SWEET

I save lives!

VINNY

(Insulting)

Fine, Tree Man.

DR. SWEET

Haircut Head.

VINNY

Toupee stand!

DR. SWEET

Limp linguini-!!

PACKARD

-Look, the point isn’t to argue whether or 

not it’s real, it’s just a general discussion. 

So if you girls can just calm down-

VINNY

-I NEVER liked your hugs!

Everyone gasps.

DR. SWEET

Well I LIED about that emergency 

procedure. I just didn’t wanna come to your 

lame jailbreak-versary party at your boring 

flower shop-!

They knock over their mics and shove each other in a rage as Cookie attempts to tear them apart. 

COOKIE

(Claps)

QUIT IT! WHAT IN THE SAM HILL 

IS GOIN’ ON-?!

PACKARD

(Enjoying the drama)

-This is the best episode ever-

VINNY

-Fine. You don’t believe in Bigfoot, so 

let’s talk about your Native American 

friend, the Wendigo.

Sweet and Cookie gasp and the room is silent and serious.

DR. SWEET

We _don’t_ talk about him.

VINNY

And don’t even get me started on-

DR. SWEET

-DON’T say it-!

COOKIE

-If you say what I think yer gonna say-!

VINNY

Those creepy, crawly Skinwalk-

A loud scuffle is heard as Sweet slaps a hand on Vinny’s mouth and Cookie flips out of his chair.

COOKIE

It’s too late!!! They heard us!! Dang blimet, 

they’re comin’!! SAVE YERSELVES!!

Cookie knocks over his mic and races from the room in terror. 

Sweet and Vinny burst into laughter and high-five each other.

PACKARD

(Disappointed)

Excuse me? That wasn’t real?

DR. SWEET

We wanted to see who could derail and 

blow up the podcast first.

VINNY

Boom. It’s my specialty. Now pay up.

DR. SWEET

(Leaning into his mic)

For the record, I _do_ believe in Bigfoot, 

and he _did_ rob me.

Gunshots are heard outside the building.

PACKARD

God dammit, he’s shooting at the clouds 

again-

DR. SWEET

Milo’s gonna kill us-

VINNY

C’mon-

The boys race from the room, leaving Packard all alone.

PACKARD

Welp…… they’ll be back in a minute….. 

Guess It’s just the Packard show now…. 

She sighs, drumming her fingernails on the table.

PACKARD

I guess I could answer our fanmail….

She unpacks an envelope as more yelling and gunshots are heard outside.

PACKARD

Just one this month… it says…. ‘Thank you 

for informing Milo from your podcast that 

Audrey was locked in our bathroom. It 

would have been such a shame if she 

was, only she was not, and instead, twenty 

men stormed in on me, completely naked, 

in the bath. I hope you die. Your friend, 

Kida.’

(Folding it)

Aw. I’m hanging this on my fridge. 

Cookie shouts as the guys drag him back inside and drop him into his seat. 

DR. SWEET

Again, we are terribly, terribly sorry-

COOKIE

(Muttering)

-Mouth breathin’ scoundrels… heathens..!

VINNY

And nothing’s gonna find us, we’re miles under

the earth-

COOKIE

-Malarky! … Shoot…. I didn’ like seein’ 

y’all fight like that, neither. You were 

breakin’ my dang heart. Swear we won’t 

never fight like that, Mina. 

PACKARD 

Honey, I haven’t experienced an emotion 

since 1877. I guess we can conclude 

here... as always, we end every podcast

by prank calling our friend, Milo.

VINNY

We brought props.

PACKARD

Excellent.

She dials the number into their radio and they wait as it rings.

MILO (VIA RADIO)

Hello?

With harp and recorder, Sweet and Vinny proceed to play a perfect duet of _Greensleeves_. They go on for two uninterrupted minutes until the song finally comes to an end.

MILO

(Holding back tears)

Guys- that was- so beautiful- I don’t even 

know what to s-

Vinny hangs up the call. Cookie breaks into fervent applause.

PACKARD

Annnnd see you next week.

  
  


END


	3. Episode 3: Ningen and Mummies with Mr. Whitmore

PACKARD

Welcome back, faithful listeners.

COOKIE

Hello-!!

(His voice echoes)

Golly, these acoustics are swell.

PACKARD

As you may or may not be able to tell, 

we aren’t in our typical podcasting space.

COOKIE

Nope!

PACKARD

Last week, after Cookie fired his gun in 

public, and after Audrey accidentally sent 

a bunch of guys to walk in on Kida the 

week before, Milo made the decision to 

cancel our show. The building we had is 

now a daycare center, so it’s a huge 

loss for everyone.

COOKIE

Wait til they find all the cigarette butts 

you hid under the rug.

PACKARD

But I’m not that easily slighted. So _I_

made the decision to move our podcast 

to his home turf - more specifically, 

his bathroom.

MR. WHITMORE

And it has _seven_ rooms!!

PACKARD

Your move, Thatch.

COOKIE

Why you gettin’ all excited, Preston, you 

got about twelve of these back in yer 

castle. An’ one of them had valet parkin’!

MR. WHITMORE

Sure, but none of mine had a fireplace. 

Or a waterfall. Or a... balcony?!

Overlooking such a beautiful view of 

the city!

PACKARD

Shoulda married Kida. We managed 

to snag another sponsor this week; 

Roknah’s Antiques.

Cookie groans, Packard sighs.

PACKARD

We’re scraping the bottom of the barrel 

here.

COOKIE

Nobody goes there ‘cept to use their 

toilet since the Tohnentem bar next door 

don’t have one. Everyone knows that!

MR. WHITMORE

Hey, I bought a lovely tea set from them 

the other day.

PACKARD

Did you?

MR. WHITMORE

….’Cause I felt bad just using their 

facilities when I was at Tohnentem’s...

PACKARD

So, c’mon, boys. What are we gonna 

pull in here to get back at Milo?

MR. WHITMORE

I just replaced all their cotton swabs 

with gum balls!

PACKARD

Your heart isn’t black enough.

COOKIE

We could hide a pair of racy underwear 

in here for Kida to find!

PACKARD 

Christ, we’re just trying to have some fun, 

not destroy a marriage, you sick bastard.

COOKIE

But you said-!!

PACKARD

-Just clog their shower drain with those 

embroidered hand towels and we’ll call it a 

day. God. Our special guest today is the 

famous industrialist, philanthropist and 

resident Atlantean yoga instructor, 

Mr. Preston Whitmore. Making a rare public 

appearance, I see.

MR. WHITMORE

Well, we’re all friends down here. 

PACKARD

You have a prominent career with 

expeditions of the unknown, so let’s hear 

something. Hit us with the weirdest 

stories you have.

MR. WHITMORE

Hmm… let’s see…

PACKARD

The spookier, the better. That’s kind 

of our theme this season.

MR. WHITMORE

There’s one, but… I never tell anyone 

about the time I met what I assume was 

Ningen, the amphibian monster of 

Antarctica.

COOKIE

Why not?!

MR. WHITMORE

It was so embarrassing. For both of us.

PACKARD

Well, now you have to. 

MR. WHITMORE

Alright… so, back in our younger days, 

Thaddeus and I took a crew to Antarctica 

to recover some wrecked ship that 

contained whatever godforsaken thing, I 

didn’t know. It could’ve been the arc of 

the covenant for all I cared, it was just too 

darn cold to function. Anyway. We 

camped at a base, and one of our guys 

had said he heard footsteps outside in 

the snow the night before, but we all 

thought nothing of it. 

Cookie shivers, nervous.

MR. WHITMORE

So the second night, I woke to use the 

restroom but the commode was outside 

the damn building. I had to walk all the 

way out there and of course the door 

was frozen completely shut. I was 

half-awake, I was freezing, and I had to 

pee like a racehorse, so I waddled 

further down the hill and just did my 

business next to a snowbank. But 

then the snow moved-

Cookie gasps.

MR. WHITMORE

And two big ol’ eyes turned and stared 

right at me. It was a lumpy and long 

creature with a wide mouth. His jaw 

dropped, and I knew it was ‘cause he 

was absolutely offended. 

COOKIE

As he should be! You took a leak on a 

poor feller just takin’ a nap!

PACKARD

Bathroom humor for the bathroom 

podcast. Good work, Preston.

MR. WHITMORE

All I could do was stare back. We were 

both just shocked. It felt like hours. It was 

the most awkward moment of my life. So 

I finally just said ‘sorry’, zipped it up, then

high-tailed it back to the base. I didn’t tell 

Thad until about twelve years later, and 

he laughed me outta town.

COOKIE

You sure it wasn’t just some 

cold-hallucination? Out in the desert, it got 

so hot, I use’ta think cacti were people 

wantin’ hugs. Had to get so many got 

dang stitches.

MR. WHITMORE

Well, maybe. I didn’t have any witnesses. 

But I did have one for another story 

which might be even spookier.

PACKARD

Thrill us-

COOKIE

No-!!

MR. WHITMORE

I financed a small trip to Egypt some time 

ago to recover some forgotten tomb. 

They found the sarcophagus, but the 

body was missing, and it had already 

been looted of all the gold. So obviously 

the museum didn’t want it, and none of us 

knew what to do with it, so I said, hey, 

just put it in my house.

PACKARD

God, you’re such an idiot.

MR. WHITMORE

‘Cause I got my own little archaeology 

collection goin’ on, and it still looked 

pretty cool! I put it in a nice case in the 

upstairs hallway and didn’t think much 

about it. But the weeks following that 

got pretty weird.

COOKIE

Aw hell, I hate ghost stories!! Hold ma 

hand, Mina- YOW, shoot, they’re cold as

ice! Lemme go!!

PACKARD

Continue.

MR. WHITMORE

So this was back when Helga was my 

assistant.

PACKARD

Oh, boy. Everyone pour one out.

MR. WHITMORE

She’d just started, too. I didn’t notice a 

thing, but she was keen that someone 

was breaking and entering the house 

every night. She was on high alert. She’d 

say she heard footsteps, or dragging

noises, she’d feel something touching 

her arm in the night, or hear a voice 

grumbling at her door-

COOKIE

NO-!!

MR. WHITMORE

-But she was never able to catch 

anyone, ever. And it was cracking her 

up a little. So one night, we were in 

the kitchen, and I told her to maybe 

just take the next day off to see a 

doctor, and I would get the CO2 

levels in the house checked. When 

out of nowhere, a spoon was thrown 

at the wall between us, and we turn 

and look, and I kid you not, a 

shadow figure moved through the 

counter and into the fridge.

PACKARD

Wow.

MR. WHITMORE

So yeah, I figured it had to be the 

sarcophagus. Even better, months 

later, the crew found out more 

about the guy whose tomb it was, 

and he in fact had a fair-haired lover. 

And I put that thing right outside 

Helga’s bedroom.

COOKIE

Terrible. Terrible!

MR. WHITMORE

So my talking to her must’ve made 

him jealous and he lashed out.

PACKARD

Thrills, betrayal, horny ghosts... 

this story has everything. 

MR. WHITMORE

Anyway, we just shipped that thing 

back where it came from and it 

stopped. And we never discussed 

the matter again.

Cookie shivers.

PACKARD

Hey, crazy eyes. Don’t you crack on 

me.

COOKIE

Don’t- like- ghosts- they just ain’t 

natural... like diet cola… or jean 

shorts!

PACKARD

Milo’s bathroom is the safest place in 

the world. Unless you’re Kida- which 

brings us to our next segment; we 

end every podcast by prank calling 

Milo. You guys ready?

MR. WHITMORE

Ready!

COOKIE

Gimme twenty seconds to git there 

an’ ten seconds to hide!

He bolts out the door, leaving Packard and Mr. Whitmore to themselves.

PACKARD

You still got some gum balls left?

MR. WHITMORE

Yep.

PACKARD

Hit me. 

MR. WHITMORE

Gotcha- whoops-!

We hear something drop, gumballs spilling.

PACKARD

For crying out loud-! Grab ‘em!

MR. WHITMORE

I can’t-!! They just went straight down 

the sink drain!!

PACKARD

All of them?!

MR. WHITMORE

That’s not good… Yeah. 

PACKARD

It’s gonna take an army of plumbers to 

fix this place. How wonderful. Let’s 

call.

She dials the code into the radio and they wait.

MILO (VIA RADIO)

Hello?

MR. WHITMORE

Milo! Where’re you at right now?

MILO

Hey, I’m just now coming back home. 

What’s up?

MR. WHITMORE

Could you do this old fool a huge favor? 

I’ve misplaced my favorite mug, and 

the last place I remember havin’ it was 

when I visited your library. Would you 

mind checkin’?

Whitmore covers the radio, barely able to stifle his laughter.

MILO

Yeah, that’s fine-

MR. WHITMORE

-If it’s not too much trouble-

MILO

-No, the library’s right here. Let’s see. 

D’you know what section you were in?

MR. WHITMORE

Oh, I believe I was reading about 

ancient Atlantean _boobytraps_.

MILO

...Ancient Atlantean what-?

MR. WHITMORE

-I was sitting at the table, check 

the table! The one by the window 

with that great, big _curtain_.

MILO

Okay… there’s really nothin’ he- 

COOKIE (VIA RADIO)

THATCH-!!

MILO

-WHAUAHH JESUS CHRIST-!!

Whitmore cackles and Packard slaps him a high-five.

MILO

(To Cookie)

Get out- GET OUT!

(To his radio)

Hey, what did I just _tell_ you?! Do 

you listen to anything I s-?!

Packard hangs up and they scramble to collect the mics and equipment.

PACKARD

-Quick, let’s get the hell outta here- 

Good work boys- Until next week-

  
  
  


END


	4. Episode 4: Scary Sewer Stories with Gaetan Moliere

PACKARD

The Buzz is back.

COOKIE

The Buzzards are back!

MOLIERE

SHHH!

COOKIE

(Quieter)

An’ we’re on the hunt for a monster!

PACKARD

Unfortunately our antics last week 

have sent us here, deep in the caves 

of the undersea cavern. The 

Subterranean Buzz is no longer allowed 

on Atlantean soil until we, and I quote, 

“quit acting like a bunch of delinquent 

perverts”. Okay, Thatch.

COOKIE

No sponsors.

PACKARD

Nope. He took care of that, too, until 

we “learn our lesson”. Also, I’m sorry 

to announce we won’t be able to prank 

call Milo today either because he’s taken 

Kida to the opera. So, honestly, what’s 

the point anymore.

COOKIE

Why don’t _we_ ever go to the opera? 

You know I wanna go!

PACKARD

‘Cause we’re not gonna understand a 

single damn thing they’re saying. I'm

just gonna fall asleep.

COOKIE

Expose yerself to the arts, Mina.

PACKARD

The arts needs to buy me a drink first.

COOKIE

Well, I got some good news! Our podcast 

merchandise is finally here!

Mole claps excitedly as Cookie cuts open the box.

COOKIE

Yessiree! You can git our brand new 

t-shirts-! Oh… aw, heck-

PACKARD

What?

COOKIE

They shrunk!! ...Or we got real big...

PACKARD

You ordered kid-sized, you idiot.

COOKIE

I musta checked the wrong dang box-! 

An’ they got the design all wrong! It’s 

s’posed to be me an’ you holdin’ hands 

under the ocean, but it’s-? It’s a picture 

of a truck full o’ drugs an’ some ugly 

feller’s mugshot?

Mole bursts into laughter.

PACKARD

Whoops… I sent you the last picture I 

saved instead of the real picture.

COOKIE

Why’re you savin’ _that?!_

PACKARD

That was my lawyer. I wanted it for 

my scrapbook.

COOKIE

We can’t sell any o’ this trash!

They groan in misery.

PACKARD

Anyway, while we can’t podcast in 

the city, our good friend and world class 

geologist, Mr. Gaetan Moliere, has offered 

to do something “fun” with us in these 

tunnels.

MOLIERE

I have dug out a trap and we are catching 

a criminal on the loose! Live on the 

show!

COOKIE

Criminal? I thought we was catchin’ 

that big ol’ bug that scuttles round here.

MOLIERE

Yes. He owes me money.

COOKIE

I love a good stakeout. Got my musket 

an’ my iron kettle, as promised. How 

d’y’all like yer tea?

PACKARD

One sugar and five Sweet n’ Lows.

MOLIERE

Did you bring the bait?

COOKIE

Yep! One smoked lizard-

PACKARD

Oh- god- get that away from me-

MOLIERE

It is perfect-!

PACKARD

-I’m gonna hurl.

COOKIE

I knew you wouldn’t like ‘im so I got 

‘im a top hat to wear. There! Now he’s 

classy.

PACKARD

No, now he’s just the spitting image 

of my second husband.

MOLIERE

Bait set, now we wait. He usually comes 

crawling this way after courting his many 

lovers in the southern tunnel.

COOKIE

No, _that’s_ yer second husband.

PACKARD

Cheers. 

COOKIE

Alright, Mole, off with your horror stories.

MOLIERE

Right!! As you know, I am an explorer of 

the sewer frontier! I have crawled through 

slimy darkness for miles, far and wide-

PACKARD

-To boldly go where no man’s gone before-

MOLIERE

(Like a Vietnam vet)

-And I’ve seen things you would never 

believe! I once had to fist-fight a rat the 

size of a dog for a Slim Jim! I was cornered 

by two sewer alligators and fought them 

off- with a diaper! I nearly drowned in a 

strong current and rode a trash bag to my 

freedom - and realized it was a body bag!!

PACKARD

Question. You _do_ know that a lot of folks 

flush their drugs down the toilet, right?

MOLIERE

….Yes…. 

PACKARD

Right.

MOLIERE

My experiences were real! They weren’t 

hallucinations!

COOKIE

How d’you know?

MOLIERE

I had to swim through a river of cocaine 

once! I _know!_

They are silent.

COOKIE

….So, you gonna tell us what happened-?

MOLIERE

 _-_ I do not remember! I only recall my body 

lifting into the air and flying… then waking 

up naked in the bathroom of a stranger’s 

house-

PACKARD

-We’ve all been there-

MOLIERE

-Covered in blood. And birdseed.

PACKARD

Oh.

MOLIERE

I’ve also traversed caves and mines all 

over the world. The things that hide in the 

shadows… in places just like this…

They go quiet again, hearing the sounds of the cave. Cookie nervously loads his gun.

MOLIERE

I was inspecting a mine in Australia once, 

and miles deep, I tripped into the wall and 

felt something stick to my hands-

COOKIE

(Counting his bullets)

Eight, nine, ten…

MOLIERE

-I switch on a brighter light and I’m covered 

in thick webbing. I look up - I see the biggest 

nest I have ever seen in my life! Forty feet 

wide, covering every wall- dead creatures 

all trapped in it- but there was no host. 

Whatever it was must be gargantuan… It 

was somewhere still in the caves… 

waiting… hunting...

They wait in silence but nothing happens. Mole groans in anger as all tension is lost.

MOLIERE

Oh, where is that idiot?! That was the 

perfect entrance!!! He is doing this on 

purpose!

PACKARD

So comparatively, how is the Atlantean 

sewer system?

MOLIERE

Magnificent, since I repaired and perfected 

it! And a useful shortcut to make my way 

through the busy town.

PACKARD

It comforts me to know you’re scurrying 

under our feet at any given moment, covered 

in piss.

MOLIERE

Just yesterday I made record time, from my 

home all the way to Say Dehkhep Pub in 

seven minutes! I challenged Vinny to race 

me there on foot, and I beat him!

PACKARD

Yeah, you beat him- to the women’s restroom. 

We were there way before you. We watched 

the bartender chase you out with a machete. 

COOKIE

Wait a sec… you were there?

PACKARD

…..No, Vinny told me about it.

COOKIE

You said ‘we’.

MOLIERE

She was there! With Audrey and Vinny.

PACKARD

-Shut UP-

COOKIE

-What-!? But yesterday, you said you was 

havin’ an IBS episode an’ couldn’t go with 

me to the opera-!

PACKARD

I- Look, I meet up with those two every 

Tuesday night, it’s our thing.

COOKIE

Yer _thing?_ You gotta thing with them an’ 

not me?!

PACKARD

What are you talking about, we do this 

podcast every damn week.

COOKIE

This is work!! When was the last time you 

an’ me hung out, no business?

PACKARD

C’mon, I came over like… a month ago, I 

helped you garden.

COOKIE

You clipped yer toenails in my daisies then 

fell asleep in my got dang garage! You didn’t 

help me with nothin’!!

PACKARD

Chill out, _this_ is just how we hang out, okay? 

Sheesh.

COOKIE

It ain’t the same! We’re best friends-!

Packard scoffs-

COOKIE

-But no, I git it. I guess _best friends_ get 

drinks at bars, an’ watch their other friends 

get chased out of bathrooms with machetes!

Cookie pushes over his mic and stomps away.

PACKARD

Stop being dramatic and finish this show 

with me. Cookie?!

We hear the echoes of his footsteps down the cave tunnel. Packard pushes her own mic out of the way and stands.

MOLIERE

Wait- where are you going?!

PACKARD

(Far away)

Smokes. I’m taking the whole pack. See 

you never.

MOLIERE

But- the show is still running?! We haven’t 

caught the beast yet-!! Come back!!!

No answer - they’ve gone.

MOLIERE

Hmph. Let’s see… uhhh…

(Blundering equipment sounds)

I do not know how to turn this thing off…. 

Do I just let the battery die?

He sighs and is silent for a moment.

MOLIERE

Well, if he’s not going to enjoy this 

perfectly smoked lizard, then I will...

Just before he takes a bite, we hear a high-pitched animalistic scream.

MOLIERE

AAAHH THERE HE IS!! EVERYONE, 

COME BACK, COME BACK, NOW!!!

We only hear a massive scuffle, Mole and the creature screaming and fighting.

MOLIERE

GIVE ME BACK MY TWENTY DOLLARS, 

YOU GIANT COWARD-! YOU SHOULD’VE 

KILLED ME WHEN YOU HAD THE 

CHANCE-

The sound is cut out.

  
  


END


	5. Episode 5: Surprise Round with Kida & Milo Thatch

Cookie and Packard sit in silence. Cookie clears his throat expectantly.

PACKARD

(Flatter than usual)

We’re back.

COOKIE

….We’re back.

Packard sighs and they ignore each other for another long silence.

KIDA

……...And this week’s guest is…!

COOKIE

(Grumble, barely audible)

This week’s guest is Kida.

PACKARD

For the record, she begged and begged 

to be on the show, even giving us her 

own space, despite us dropping many 

hints that we clearly don’t want her-

COOKIE

-Can you not be rude for a got dang 

second-?!

PACKARD

-Bite me-

COOKIE

-Bite ME-!

KIDA

-Because I had something important to 

talk about!

PACKARD

(Sighing)

Well, whatever you got better be good. I’m 

getting tired of myths and horrors.

KIDA

Perfect. Milo, NOW!

The door slams and locks - Packard and Cookie groan.

PACKARD

Oh, get outta here-

COOKIE

-BOOO-!

MILO

(Entering)

-Hey, guys-!

PACKARD

-GET OUT-!

KIDA

Sorry, I am not here to discuss monsters 

or myths. Milo and I are here to save your 

friendship!

PACKARD

For crying out loud-

MILO

We heard there was trouble and we care 

about you, so we’re gonna play a game to 

help remind you how much you love each- 

whoa, hey, HEY-!

KIDA

STOP HER-!!

COOKIE

MINA-

MILO

We forgot to close the window-!

We hear scuffling and distress. They barely manage to force Packard back into her seat and they settle down.

COOKIE

What game? I hope it’s Russian 

Roulette.

PACKARD

I hope it’s a suicide pact.

KIDA

Just- take these chalkboards- and 

write your answers to whatever we ask.

PACKARD

Not this shit-

MILO

Yes, it’s that marriage game. But with 

all the raunchy questions taken out.

PACKARD

Coward.

KIDA

Okay! First question from the jar… An 

easy one to start with. Do you know the 

other’s astrological sign?

They wait as Packard and Cookie scribble. They reveal their answers and Milo sighs.

MILO

I’m afraid ‘Redneck’ and ‘Skank Whore’ 

aren’t members of the zodiac. We will 

allow a do-over.

COOKIE

Nah, mine’s correct.

PACKARD

Mine too.

KIDA

This is hopeless.

MILO

Wait, how about we play, too. To 

help them out a little.

KIDA

Yes, inspire them! Good idea. You see? 

This is how it is done! Teamwork, 

communication. This is why Milo and I 

are unbeatable.

(Pulling the next question)

….What was the last thing you fought about-? 

(She angrily curses in Atlantean)

Milo, why is THIS in here?!

MILO

Sorry-! It’s- a standard-?!

KIDA

-We are supposed to be _mending_ things-!

PACKARD

(Delighted)

-No, please answer it, this’ll be so good.

Milo and Kida sigh, irritation building.

MILO

Well… I guess the last thing we fought 

about was the clogged shower drain.

Cookie sputters and coughs to hide his laughter.

KIDA

It would not have been a fight if you did 

not blame it all on me.

MILO

What? No, I said-

KIDA

-You did-!

MILO

-I just said I had nothing to do with it!

KIDA

And I am the ONLY other person who uses it!

Cookie is barely able to keep it together.

MILO

Kida, c’mon, it wasn’t totally out of line! 

You have _so much_ hair! 

(Kida scoffs)

It gets everywhere! All over my clothes, 

in my mouth, in my _food!_ It’s way more 

likely your hair clogged the drain and not 

mine.

KIDA

Fine. But it does not matter, because 

we found the hand towels.

Cookie and Packard are silent. Caught.

MILO

(Triumphant)

So! We made up! Nice try, guys… but also, 

seven million gum balls shot out of 

the toilet and nearly killed me when I 

flushed it. Who on earth did _that?!_

PACKARD

That one’s not on us, pal.

KIDA

Just read the next question.

MILO

Wait, wait, wait- Kida, I just want to clarify; 

I’d rather eat thousands of hair-sandwiches 

for the rest of my life than go a single day 

without you. Okay?

KIDA

(Touched)

Milo…

COOKIE

Oh, quit it! QUIT IT! You’re makin’ Mina 

sick to her stomach, look at her-!

PACKARD

-I will literally throw up all over this table-

COOKIE

-She means it-!!

MILO

-FINE! Next question…. This one’s for 

you guys. Name one bad trait the other 

person has-

Packard and Cookie immediately start writing.

MILO

- _And_ one good one.

They pause.

KIDA

That part is mandatory… Cookie, show us.

What did you write?

COOKIE

I said…. The meanest, coldest most uncaring 

shell of a human I ever met in my damn life! 

But… she’s the most fun to shoot whisky 

with…

MILO

…...Okay, we’ll take it. And you?

PACKARD

He’s the loudest, most annoying idiot on the 

planet.... But he remembers all my 

divorce-iversarries. And always has a drink 

ready for them.

KIDA

Aww, how sweet.

Cookie shrugs and grumbles.

MILO

See? We’re making progress! Our turn…

(Pulling a new question)

For Kida. What’s the nicest thing I’ve done 

for you recently?

Packard lets out a nauseating groan.

KIDA

No, we should save that one for them. 

Give us the bad ones.

MILO

So the questions I put in here are ‘bad’?

KIDA

(Irate)

Milo-

MILO

-No, it’s fine-

KIDA

-Obviously, I did not mean _that_ -

PACKARD

(Reveling)

-Yes, _good-_

COOKIE

(Slamming his fist)

-JUST GET THIS OVER WITH-!!

KIDA

Alright!!

(Huffing, thinking)

Milo does nice things for me every day!

...But I think the most fun was when I

was supposed to hold an important

conference for the royal cabinet but they

all called in sick, just so they could skip

and go to the kickball playoffs that 

night.

PACKARD

As they should’ve. It was a good game. 

COOKIE

So many flyin’ teeth.

KIDA

And Milo was the only one who showed up. 

So we were angry, but then he said we 

should have some fun, so he stole their 

wheely chairs and we raced each other all 

over the empty courthouse all night. Until I 

accidentally pushed you down the stairs 

and you cracked a rib.

MILO

Yeah. But I felt bad, that was so lousy of 

them. You worked so hard on that 

presentation and I wanted to see it.

KIDA

No, I would rather have fun with you.

Sentimental, Cookie chokes up while Packard holds her breath, trying not to vomit. 

KIDA

And then we stole all the black ink in 

their desks and replaced them with red!

MILO

Yeah, that was terrible.

PACKARD

God, SO terrible. Send yourselves to 

prison, you freaks.

KIDA

(Pulling the next question)

Alright… for you, guys. Oh, good. What

is your favorite memory you have with

each other?

They think for a moment before writing.

COOKIE

….Did you write what I think you wrote, 

Mina?

PACKARD

Maybe.

MILO

Let’s see it.

They turn their boards around - Milo and Kida groan in misery.

MILO

Oh, good lord-

COOKIE

Goin’ to Atlantis jail together?

PACKARD

Going to Atlantis jail together.

KIDA

You are KIDDING me-

COOKIE

-After we spiked the fruit punch 

at the summer festival an' gave everyone 

alcohol poisoning.

KIDA

That was by FAR the worst thing to happen 

to Atlantis since the great flood.

COOKIE

(Proud)

An’ _we_ did that!!

PACKARD

We did.

MILO

We couldn’t figure out what was happening, 

everyone was going insane! Vinny tied his

pants around his head, Audrey was beating

me up, screaming at me in Spanish that I

robbed her-!

Cookie cackles with glee.

MILO

-It wasn’t until Kida destroyed the buffet table 

from doing a back flip off the roof, I figured it

out. She only does that when she’s wasted.

KIDA

(Ashamed)

I had so much. I cannot remember a thing.

MILO

Really?? At the hospital I was so scared you 

were gonna die but you kept trying to put

your hands down my pants every time the

doctor was talking to me.

PACKARD

If that’s how she wants to go, Thatch,

that’s how she wants to go!

MILO

They had to pump so many stomachs 

that night. And _nobody_ could find Sweet.

KIDA

Whitmore found him sleeping in the water

fountain in our garden, cradling

an entire cake.

PACKARD

It was just like a college frat party. Beautiful.

MILO

Literally one of the worst nights of our 

lives.

COOKIE

(Warmly)

Yep, that’s my favorite memory.

PACKARD

I love you, you sicko.

COOKIE

I don’t wanna fight ever again!

PACKARD

Our thing is making their lives hell. I 

couldn’t ask for more.

MILO

...What?! No-

KIDA

-Shh, it is working.

PACKARD

Let’s hit the bars. No wait, let’s go 

fall asleep at the opera. Whatever

you wanna do.

COOKIE

Yes! No, we gotta finish the show!

PACKARD

Oh, yeah. So we usually end every 

show by prank calling Milo but… uhh…

MILO

THAT’S what you’ve been doing?!

COOKIE

So what do we do now?

PACKARD

You’ll see.

MILO

What?!

There is a moment of bated silence - then an explosive noise. Milo screams, Audrey laughs victoriously, and Cookie and Packard cheer.

MILO

-ARE YOU CRAZY-

AUDREY

-GOT YOU-!!!

Kida swears angrily in more Atlantean and chases Audrey out of the room. Packard and Cookie laugh as Milo catches his breath.

PACKARD

For everyone listening at home, Audrey 

was under the table the whole time, dressed 

up in her Chupacabra costume.

MILO

You planned this?!

PACKARD

When Kida wanted to be on here, I 

knew you wouldn’t be far behind. 

MILO

Alright, well, y’know what-?! Glad we 

could help- and wish you the best- now 

get the hell out of our house-

PACKARD

-So long, suckers-

KIDA

-GET OUT-!

COOKIE

-G’bye y’all!

  
  
  


END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end my friends. Wackadoodle. I accept hate mail in the form of snail mail so please send all inquiries to 123 Atlantis Street, Atlantis. Love yall and hope you're safe


End file.
